Letters to Castiel
by pandafox
Summary: After Dean believes Castiel has died, he's having a hard time coping and Bobby and Sam suggest that he writes the angel letters. Season 4-7 spoilers.
1. Chapter 1

**Cas,  
Sam and Bobby told me it would be healthy to write you letters. I told them that was stupid and I wasn't going to do it. Gotta be strong for them. I need to believe I'm okay. But you know something? I'm not.  
I'm not okay, Cas. I don't know what to do without you. You're the only one I can tell the truth too. I'll just bury all my secrets in these letters.  
Uh..I don't know what else to say. I don't know how to do this. I don't know how to end it.  
God, I just wish you were here, Cas...**

I feel like I'm trapped, Cas. The air around me feels like a cage. I need to get out of here. Need to get away from Sam and Bobby. They're always questioning me. Asking if I'm okay; and I swear, I don't know when they're gonna ask and I'm gonna snap on them, Cas.  
I feel like I'm always pissed off, because I don't want them to see that I'm hurt. I just need some time away from them. I think I'll go on a hunt of my own.  
I miss you, Cas...

You know what I hate? That stupid line about letting something go if you love it. What if I don't want to let you go? It wasn't my choice. If it had been, none of this would've happened. You wouldn't have run away, you wouldn't have gone and fucked everything up. You'd be here with me. Right now. I'd be able to hold you and kiss you and...  
God damn you, Castiel.

I'm done. My life is now hunting things. That's all. I can't care about anything. Not even the people I'm saving. Because if I care about them, about Bobby, about Sam, about you...Cas, you can't destroy what isn't there.  
So I'm done. I won't hurt anymore than I already am. I'm just gonna kill as many of those sons of bitches as I can before I die.

I think I'm meant to be alone, Cas. It's my fate. Fuck free will. It's just an illusion anyway, right? I mean, let's be honest...Didn't things happen the way they were 'supposed' to? Sam said yes, in Detroit, just like Lucifer said he would. I was the 'righteous man' who started the whole shit storm. Sam killed Lilith, just like he was 'supposed' to. And then, you died.  
I'm pretty sure it was my fault. It was because you and I weren't 'supposed' to be together. Not that I ever cared. You loved me. I loved you. That was all that mattered. But now you're gone...  
And I just wish it'd been me.

I'm hunting on my own now. I shouldn't be around Sammy. If I'm alone, I can't be a dick, I can't shove my hate down his throat. I don't deserve anyone, Cas.  
I didn't deserve to have you. You deserved so much better. Someone whose smile wasn't taken before you even met. You deserved...I don't know, Cas. I just didn't ever deserve you and I don't know why you chose me. I still don't even think I deserved to be saved...  
All I know is, I'm gone. I'm out of here. I shouldn't be around Sammy. I can't care. I can only hate. And if I can change, I hope I never know...

Sometimes I just sit in the Impala, with your coat. I just hold it and try to imagine that you're here. When I do that, I remember every kiss. The first one, when we were both so shy...The last one was so different. I didn't like it, Cas. I wish I could forget it. I wish you hadn't come that night. I begged you to stay. I fucking begged, Cas.  
I couldn't face a life without your light. I couldn't...But it doesn't matter, right? All of that was ripped apart when you refused to fight.  
And then your apologies. Those god damn apologies. They didn't mean shit, Cas. They'll never mean anything. I don't even know if you ever loved me...How could you have done this if you did?  
I just wish you weren't my friend, Cas. I wish you were just someone I fucked. I wish I didn't care for you. I wish I never loved you. Because then I could move on. I wouldn't be sitting here, in a motel room by myself, holding an old trench coat that has no purpose anymore. I wouldn't be writing some pointless letter that no one will ever read. I wouldn't be soaking this paper with tears...  
I hate you, Castiel.

There's no hope, Cas...I can't wait to die. But...I don't care. About anything...anymore. I don't care about Sammy, I don't care about you. Nothing. It took the death of hope to let you go. I'm not gonna write anymore. Not that it matters anyway, it's not like you would read them. I just needed to finalize it. I'm done.  
Good-bye, Cas.

It's been three weeks since my last letter. But you know what? I have more I need to say. You broke me, Castiel. You fucking broke me. So go ahead, spit your fucking pity in my soul. You never needed any help. You toyed with all of us. Don't you say it was for me, okay? Because it wasn't. You sold me out to save yourself. I won't listen to your shame. I can't keep playing your apologies in my head over and over again. Because you ran away, Cas. You left me. You're all the same.  
Angels lie to keep control, right? I thought you were different. I really did. God, I'm such an idiot.  
I get it. I'm not supposed to have anything good in my life. Everything that seems too good to be true, well it is. My love was punished long ago. If you still care, don't ever let me know.  
If you still care, don't ever let me know...

Cas,  
It's been a year since you...I can't go on anymore. I thought maybe, with time...it would get better. I was wrong. Everyone told me I'd be okay. They were wrong. I just feel worse by the minute. I can't get out of bed some days. Sam calls sometimes, just to check up on me. I rarely answer.  
This will be the last letter I write to, Castiel. But I'll be with you soon. I planned this out months ago. But it wasn't until now that I had the courage to go through with it. I've been a coward, like always.  
But now? Now, I just don't see the point in living anymore. You're not here. Sammy doesn't need me anymore. He hasn't needed me for a long time. There is no point. I'll be with you soon enough, Cas.  
I love you,  
Dean 


	2. Chapter 2

Dean Winchester,  
I don't know who you are, but I dream about you every night. I know the things that I dream are not real, but I can't help but think that you are.  
I dreamt that I was an angel and I saved you from hell. We fought other angels together. You were the 'righteous man' who broke the 'first seal', starting the apocalypse. I spent what I believed to be my last night on earth with you, multiple times.  
These things, I know, are not real. But the fondness I feel for you-even when I'm awake-is more than I feel for anyone else…  
I don't know who you are, but I hope you are well, Dean Winchester.  
Emanuel

Dean,  
I believe I am in what they call 'love' with you. And not only in my dreams. I find myself counting the hours until I can sleep again, just so that I can see you Everything I feel in my dreams-the fluttering in my stomach when you touch me, the warmth that spreads through my body when you look at me, the ache that your pain causes me-it all feels so real.  
I hope that one day I will be able to meet you in my waking hours.  
Emanuel

Dean,

I don't believe anything about my dreams anymore. We have stopped the apocalypse, that much I already knew wasn't real. But…you said that you love me too. That couldn't be real. You could never love someone like me. Not in my dreams or real life.

The only things I believe are true are that you exist and that I love you more than anything in this world. I would be happy to just meet you again and call you my friend.

Emanuel

Dean,  
Sam is in Lucifer's cage. He asked you one thing before made this happen, and you kept that promise You left me for a woman named Lisa, andI have never felt so much pain. I woke up from my dream this morning to find my pillow wet with tears.  
This feels real…Neither in dream, nor waking hours can I find it within myself to be angry with you. You deserve more than I can give you. I was not able to give you a normal life. She was…In my dreams, I watched you. Watched you live your normal life…Watched you be happy with her…

Dean,  
I still haven't spoke to you since you made your life with her. I watch you less. The last time I watched you, I almost revealed myself. I was going to ask you for help, with a war I'm fighting in heaven. Instead I made a deal with a demon.  
I don't regret it. I just want you to be happy. I'm doing for you, Dean.  
Emanuel/Castiel?

Dean,  
You finally called for me. Apparently you found out that Sam was back (but not that I was the one who brought him back). You are no longer with Lisa. I haven't had a chance to talk to you alone. But I don't think I have any intention of telling you my plan. Maybe because I know you would convince me to change my mind.  
I hope that if I go through with this and you ever find that you can forgive me.  
Castiel

Dean,  
You told me that you still love me. That you were never happy with Lisa and you only went to her because you made a promise to your brother, and you couldn't have that with an angel. Much less a rebellious one, like me. More importantly though, because I didn't try to stop you. Why would I? I thought you would be happier with her.  
The biggest news though? You told Sam about us. He wasn't surprised. I only wish I could be happy…  
Castiel

Dean,

I believe we had what they call a break up…I…You don't want to see me anymore. You threatened me. And…all I could do was leave. You…are so stubborn. You wouldn't listen to me, Dean. And now? I don't know what to do.

I'm afraid to go to sleep. Worried it will only get worse…

I love you still, Dean Winchester.

Castiel

Dean,

I know exactly who you are. I know what happened. The souls from purgatory…the Leviathan…Everything.

I need to find you. I will make this all up to you. I promise I will. I need your forgiveness and I need to fix my mistake. I will go to Bobby's today.

Castiel

Dean?  
You're…gone…I found Bobby and Sam. But you…you left them. And…you got killed. There was…no one to bring you back this time.  
The Impala sits in Bobby's yard. That's where I am now. Sitting shotgun, imagining that we're driving and your arm is around me.  
I can't believe that you…you died. I don't know what to do anymore. I suppose I can start with trying to make amends with Sam. I promise I will look after him.  
I love you, Dean.  
Castiel

Dean,  
I found the letters that you wrote me. I think Sam was hiding them to protect me. I don't deserve it. You would still be here if it weren;t for me. Sam would still have his brother.  
I deserved all of your hateful words. I deserve the pain. I am so sorry, Dean. I wish there was some way I could take it all back. I wish you hadn't a reason to think of me that way. I would take it all back. You didn't deserve this.  
All I can do is promise again, I will watch over Sam until the day he dies. Then, and only then, we will be together, if you will have me.  
I love you Dean Winchester. Always.  
Cas


End file.
